Happy Holidays

My writing has hit a bit of a bump. Between getting sick, having a small fling, and my parents coming into town, I've fallen off the writing routine wagon. I've run out of ideas for mackjackandjill.com, I've finished the 2nd draft of Same River Twice and now I'm moving on to a spec script of Raising Hope.

The first season is pretty spectacular and on Netflix. Plot is Jimmy Chance has a one night stand with a serial killer. She goes to prison and is executed, but not before giving birth Jimmy's daughter. He now must raise his daughter Hope with the help of his parents and crazy great grandmaw who all live in the same house. What makes the first season so spectacular? In addition to being wildly funny, the show has a lot of heart and is very charming. The characters care about each other and find really clever ways to be sweet to each other by the end of the episode. Unfortunately the 2nd season has not proven to be as clever or interesting.

The goal is to have the workable first draft done by January 23rd (the start of my pilot writing class.) Immediate tasks-- Character research. 2-pages on the primary and 1 on the secondary. Then I need to outline my plot (which means I have to come up with a plot.) Then I can start writing. So I'm stating right here and now that I will have my plot outline done by January 3rd. There it's in writing on the internet!

Something I need to achieve is the flow and humor of the show. With my 30 Rock script I was able to get in sync with the show. I just understood on a visceral level how it all worked. I could tell when I wrote a line that I needed a joke. I could feel when the scenes were getting too long. But most importantly I understood how the show unfolded itself. Raising Hope moves in a distinctly different way. It's almost like ever quarter of each episode feels like it's own plot, but moves seamlessly so it doesn't feel segmented. Also I'll have to adjust my humor. This all feels daunting, but a year ago I thought writing a 30 Rock episode was beyond me and that was much easier than I thought.  So I'm sure I'll pull it off.


Song of the day (only because it came up on Pandora)
Cobra Starship.

Who wants to listen to that?

When I quit Isabella's I went on a writing binge. I had started the other blog, I finished the first draft of my third play Whatever It's Worth, and I started my TV writing class. I got sick with the flu a couple of weeks ago and I also started dating someone. Both did a number on my writing routine. It's been a month since I've updated this blog and mackjackandjill.com hasn't fared much better. The flu got better but the relationship didn't. It's not officially dead, but I'm willing to call it. We didn't progress far enough to officially label it over, so in it's place, a dwindling frequency of text messages will be all I get.

I find it difficult to be happy with my own accomplishment. I approached a very attractive girl on the train. Got her number, had subsequent dates, had her spend the night. I knew we'd never progress into anything serious. All I wanted or expected was a little fun. I figured this end was inevitable. Even prepared for it. But it still hurts. Every relationship ends in abandonment. Except one, hopefully.  It's a chilling sentiment to me that two people meet, become intimately involved, reveal more to that person than anyone else, then sooner or later one of them decides the other isn't good enough.

New York is a hard place to have friends. Being a waiter makes that even harder. I only get a night or two off a week and if I'm only friends with waiter folk, they have the same situation, only my nights and their nights rarely match up. I've always considered myself a loner. Now it's ten fold what I was. I've had plenty of people tell me that I can come to them with anything. But they only time I feel the desire to connect with people is when I hurt. And who wants to listen to someone complain about their problems and seek reassurance all the time. I sure as hell don't want to listen to that.

Dylan Patrick Smith -- Fading Dreams
http://www.last.fm/music/Dylan+Patrick+Smith

On the alcohol front.

Writing has been tough this week. I'm mostly happy with my 30 Rock spec script so now I'm doing revisions on Same River Twice. I'm trying to make the second act more compelling. Also I've been more focused on updating Mackjackandjill.

I actually think I've gotten a handle on my drinking. I seem to be able to moderate myself. Moderation is never something I've never been able to achieve before, so I am cautious.  I know it can spiral out of control. I haven't drank consecutive nights in a row. The other night was the first I went out for drinks with people since I quit. As for my drinking in solitude, I've been buying a six pack and trying to keep it a long as I can. I feel this works because when I really want a drink, I have it, but the scenario gives me pause. Is it really worth it tonight?  Can't I keep 4 beers in it a little longer?

This is opposed to going to the near by Ding Dong and partaking in their drink and shot special for $6, or even going into the convenient store/deli and picking up just one beer. Those situations give me no accountability. Their consequences are gone as soon as I've paid the tap. But to have the physical beer in the fridge, knowing I'm keeping it there is a kind of achievement for me. A trophy even. I've also been successful in not drinking in bad moods. When ever I have the feeling of "I've had a shitty day" I specifically try not to drink that night. The goal is to break alcohol as an escape or amelioration.

I go back to Dallas on Wednesday for Thanksgiving. I'm excited to pack light because of my iPad. In the past my backpack has been stuffed with such weights as; my laptop, iPod, a Gameboy Advance/Nintendo DS/DS Lite/DS*OMG*WTF, TIME magazine, Maxim magazine, graphic novels, actual novels, sketch pad, power cords, etc. Now it's going to limited to iPad, keyboard, Kindle, legal pad, and iPod. I've got this tiny messenger bag. I love it. So light.
I also used to carry along this cigarette adapter.

My laptop would only get an hour or so of power on the plane. That was half a movie or I could do writing. Some planes have cigarette lighter power ports. Unfortunately, not all rows had the power ports. Of all the dozens of times I've flown with the cigarette adapter, I think I used it once. No longer will I need my power adapter for in flight entertainment. My iPad should have more than enough power for the 4 hour flight.

What have I been listening to?
I'll do another Coldplay. But covered in the acapella style of Mike Thompkins.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2YSo8Z_-a4

It's going well...I guess.

I was pretty mad yesterday. For personal reasons. Imagine if you went on a rollercoaster. And you were really excited about it. Little scared, but you were ready. And you get in and mid way though you end up hating it.  You're not even scared. It's just boring. But all you've ever wanted to do was ride rollercoasters. What do you do now?

Kinda vague, I know.

The new restaurant is working out well-ish. It's probably the easiest waiter job I've ever worked. My tips are much better than at Isabellas. I generally have a very welcoming, humorous, and charming style when I wait tables. If I could be like I am when I'm waiting tables all the time, I'd get laid so much.  At Isabellas it didn't show up with the tips. I mean I got mostly 20%. But there were soooo many foreigners. Isabellas is right next to the natural history museum. Or Isabellas got really old people living on the upper west side. Or it got parents with babies. I can't tell you how many times I'd get a big top that was half kids. All three of those demographics are high maintenance with unreliable appreciation. And if I did get 20%, it would be like $44 check? 8 bucks. I'm not going to go hungry over a dollar, but there's a psychological reward of getting $9, slightly higher than 20% because I busted my ass to make your experience perfect.

That happens at Crispo. First the first time in my 6 years of waiting tables, I'm reliably getting above 20%. The attitudes of waiting tables, or even treating employees like human beings is just so much better. You're treated like adults by competent and appreciative management. Which is funny because at Isabellas you were treated like children by a management team that was younger than you were. Here's an example.

One of the managers last night, Jordan sat me down to chat about my performance. He said he just wanted let me know that they thought I was doing a good job, I know the food, have good customer service, and that I was thrown in to much busier situations than they (the management team) would have liked. He mentioned the things he wanted me to work on. But was confident I'd get there.

Let's compare that to Isabellas' attitude.

I never got a sit down about my performance (with the exception of going over my sales percentages.) There was never a check in on how I was doing. The only comments the general manager ever made were when she saw I did things wrong. She was never receptive to any of my problems and when I mentioned them she became defensive and shot me down. When ever I tried to approach her with a problem during service I usually either got a response of "can't you see I'm busy" or she would criticize me for not being brief enough.  

"All you need to say is X." Her constant criticism always made me feel on edge. If she was around me while I was waiting on a table, I always stumbled.

Jordan, the Crispo manager, is quite possibly one of the best managers I've ever worked with. Supportive, fair, firm. He'll call you on your bull shit, but he'll also call customers on theirs. There was a large party that felt the pricing of their meal didn't match up with the contract they set up. The girl had it on her iPhone and was showing him. To which he pointed out clearly calmly and reasonably in the contract wording the restaurant standards and terms. Not even Wild Ginger would have kept to that. At the ol' WG if you complained enough you got almost anything for free.  

Granted the place does have some pit falls. No discount. Closing takes forever to get out, especially since you have to wait for all guests to leave. The food they do make for you is carb heavy (it's pasta.) And to be honest, because it's an easier job, it can be boring. Especially since the way they make cuts, (pooled tip house) you're not going to be working less than 6 hours. But all in all it's a pretty cool place.

One last thing about how they treat you. When you get called in for your on call shift, you're one of the first to leave. And they thank you for coming in on your on call. It's like they're aware you're some sort of human being. Weird huh?

New band I discovered on good ol' Pandora.
Speechwriters LLC

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fg6Yy_yIffE

Little Sick

My back has gotten marginally better, but now I have a cold. Now that I have a job again, I've been spending money and it feels so good. Went to Macy's, Old Navy, and Uni Qlo the other day. Uni Qlo is this new Japanese store. Some of their stuff is really cheap (like $9.99 women's jeans) and some stuff is really expensive ($99.99 men's sweaters.) I ended up getting a down jacket for $130.00.

The new job isn't bad. It's not as hectic ( though tonight is supposed to be crazy busy b/c of the New York marathon.) The runners like to carb load on pasta, a staple of the restaurant. I've mostly been writing my 30 Rock spec script and memorizing the menu of Crispo. The only big downsides are that I don't have a locker. So I don't like to bring anything like my iPad or Kindle. Also the house is pooled which in and of itself isn't bad, but the closers all have to stay till the end. I.e. when all the customers are gone. Then you have to do closing side work. And I'm only scheduled closing shifts for the next 2 weeks.

Saw Harold and Kumar 3-D last night. Better than the 2nd one, but not as good as the first. They do some clever stuff, and unlike the first movie to the second movie (which picked up the next day,) this movie takes place years later. So it's fun to see how the characters have moved on.


Been into this song lately
City and Color.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZqnqH9s1jk

My freakin back.

My back hurts so damn much. It's not a soreness like I pulled it or anything. It's like  slept on it wrong. But it's been like this for a month.  I went to a Chinese message place about a week ago and that helped for five minutes. The new restaurant seems easier and more lucrative but slower pace. Actually found myself missing the hectic Isabellas. But that may change now that I have my first live shift.

I'm making good head way on the 30 Rock script. It's long and the jokes are getting harder to write. But the goal is to finish a draft of it then fix it rather than try to do it right the first time.  I'm at that point though where I'm really questioning how good the plot is.  But I think that's natural in the muddle middle.

Emotionally I'm been kinda down lately. I feel like I've hit a rut in New York. Granted I have a few friends from Isabellas and I have my sister. But the Isabellas people are busy and I can't hang out with my sister every night. There doesn't seem like there's going to be anyone I connect with at the new restaurant. It's nice that I'm writing but I don't feel like I'm moving in any direction to break into the television industry. Every moment at this new restaurant is a reminder of that. I feel like my fight is gone. The ambition of young a graduate filled with naivety and the compunction to make the stupid mistakes that get you into trouble but also cause you stumble upon success. It's been hard for me to work out, eat right, update the other blog, and I've even relapsed into drinking a few times.

Sigh.

New Coldplay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_fEWsM4mNc

What the what?

So a funny thing has happened with this bog. I'm getting some page views. As many as 33 on Wednesday. And that disturbing because I don't advertise this blog. Meanwhile, my public blog I have to practically spam friends on Facebook to visit. My best day ever was 27. So what do I make of this?

My traffic sources point to http://pu.gg/ as my biggest traffic source. It seems to be a torrent site. No idea why anyone there would be looking here. One was adf.ly. Someone's seeing if they want to advertise on my site??? And the last one is metablogstats. So I don't know if people are actually coming to this blog and reading it or if computer programs are running through the internet randomly checking out blogs (it's obvious I don't know how the internet works.)

Conclusion? If you're are a human, leave comments, tell your friends, visit Mackjackandjill.wordpress.com. If you're a computer, well there's not much I can do, now can I?


Feiya pointed me to this awesome site.
We Run the Night
http://soundcloud.com/dubstep/we-run-the-night-proper-villians-remix

I'm just not into you.

This week I got a job, went on dates with two women, and met one of my personal heroes. Yet despite my fortune I felt melancholy on the walk home. (I'm not going to go as far as to say depressed,  that word is thrown around too easily.) I believe my sadness may come from my difficulty in going after what I want. All three of the "fortunes" in the first sentence were essentially handed to me.

The job, despite my resolution to abandon the restaurant industry, is a return to waiting tables. A friend called me telling me her restaurant needed someone and that it was much better than Isabellas. She also said that part time work was available. Compromise between my dream and having money? I am getting sick of not working each day. I went in to the interview and the manager pretty was ready to give me the job right then and there. He didn't really interview me so much as tell me about the restaurant. It wasn't part time work, but it is about 15-20 hours less than Isabellas which was what I was looking for. So while that's nice, my goal of finding work in the writing world just didn't happen. I checked Craigslist, emailed some resumes to production offices, and frequented Mandy.com. But I didn't go after it the way I used to fiend after rare X-Men toys at Toys'R'Us.

Then there are the women. One of them? Exciting, fun, my age, and possibly trouble. There was a good connection on the date, some kino (pick up term for physical escalation,) time bridging (pua term for setting next date) and some light and fun texting the next morning. I thought it was on. Then, that night I sent one last text. No reply. I should have given her 48 hours to respond before I contacted her again. But my emotions got the best of me and I called her last night. I did have a plan. Get her on the phone? I had a joke in mind, then I'd tell her about the awesome lecture, and finally break the news that I might have to break the date (I might be an extra in the new Batman movie Friday.) If it goes to voice mail, I leave the message about breaking the date. But when I called her it rang once then went to voice mail ( meaning she declined the call ) then the message informed me that her in box was full and could not take any messages. Drag. Hope is not lost, but it doesn't look so good.

The other girl is every girl I've ever dated.  I'm not really attracted to her. We don't have that much in common and I don't think she's open to the kink lifestyle (just a hunch.) I went on a second date with her yesterday and despite my boredom, I've found myself escalating the relationship. We're now Facebook friends, I'm going to her Halloween party (awkward,) and I kissed her. She's not a bad person and I hate the idea of breaking up (even though we've only been on 2 dates?)  I could give her another shot, but by now, if I'm not into her, I'm not going to be.

Giving up drinking has been isolating. And I just don't know how to pull myself out of this funk. Maybe, the new job will expose me to some exciting people, but I doubt it will solve the apprehension I feel about my stalled life.


Tyler sent me this album for my birthday.
Phantograms - When I'm Small (Lucy's Mix)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM2azIP3q4A

And I'm 28.

I decided I'd let myself drink today. Just one day. And what I've found is that I was counting down the minutes. As of this sentence I'm 28 by three minutes. Now I'm hesitating. I could run down to the ultra convenient store (there are two.) I go down the stairs, walk out my door and either way I turn, I'm at one. I could buy a bottle of beer. Or two. Or I could go across the street to the Ding Dong Bar. $6 for a shot and a beer. Except I don't have any cash on me. I'd have to spend at least $12 dollars. That would be 2 shots and 2 beers. Maybe 2 beers from the convenient store would be enough. It's been 3 and a half weeks. My tolerance has to be pretty low. But damn that shot would feel good. With the anticipation, I don't think I could fall asleep.

Once I take that drink, once I open the gate, will I be able to close it again? Can I do just one day? This is insane. Am I really this much of an addict? I feel guilty, like I'm betraying someone (Matt?) I really want the drink. But I'm scared. Logically I should say no. But the rest of me wants to be drunk so I can enjoy Futurama or any other TV comedy or playing Batman the way I loved enjoying it.

Okay logically. I'd go down and buy one beer. But I don't want one beer. I want at least two. So I buy 2 beers. That would be fine. I'd be drunk enough, but not super drunk. Enough to go to bed. But there is a part of me that wants one more shot of my roommate's vodka. 2 beers and a shot would be perfect. But it would be crossing a line.

Then what are the rules for tomorrow? Drinks with my sister at dinner. 2 max. Then one more when I get back to her place? Maybe. Then I have the date. The whole reason I gave myself this out. So it wouldn't be weird meeting up at 10:30 on a Friday night and drinking decaf coffee or club soda. Then I drink with her. If the date goes bad and I head home by myself? Do I get one more before the end of my birthday? 2 more? 2 more and a shot? No.

If I'm going to venture into this, dip my toe in there must be rules.
1) October 21st ONLY. Today didn't change the rules. No, "well it's a special occasion."
2) 2 drinks tonight. 2 drinks at dinner with Dara. Option for 1 drink at her apartment. Then whatever the night lends itself from the date. (I'm not worried about losing control on the date. It's at a wine bar. It's not cheap.)
3) After the date, I'm done! (if the date lasts past midnight, drinking is okay. )

Okay. Let's do this.

The Lonely Island - After the Party
http://www.wat.tv/audio/the-lonely-island-ft-santigold-3nlab_33r5l_.html

30 Rocks and Batmen

My writing has slowed as I've been taking this writing class. I stopped the rewrite on Same River Twice to focus on the homework. The homework was make character sheets for the show I'm doing, write a log line for my spec script, and a one page narrative outline for the spec script. I've decided to do 30 Rock.

If you're not familiar with a spec script, the idea is that you write an episode for a TV show. The goal for the class is to have a full spec script by the end of the class. But since other people in the class have shows to write for and I need to comment on them I need to be up to date with those shows. I've been watching a lot of TV this week.

I was worried about having my whole plot outlined. Usually I just let myself go when I write and see where it takes me. (With an image of what I want the final moment to be.) It came down to the last day and I managed to get out a pretty good plot. I actually amazed at my ability to adapt to the character's voices and sense of humor. I was spouting original Tracy Jordanisms at random yesterday.

One thing the teacher has stressed to us is that TV is a medium where you are coloring inside the lines. You are producing a product. And you are paid well for that product. But any semblance that you will be thinking outside the box is an illusion. In TV, you take the notes the network gives you and you write them or you are out of a job.  And after working in theatre for the last 6 years getting paid nothing for my art, I'm pretty okay with that. I'm good at taking notes and rewriting everything.  If I can get paid for this? Fuck yea. Also TV writers get 13 weeks off. I'll write my Pulitzer prize winning play then. 

Last night we learned about the 4 part story structure.
EVERY SHOW ON TV FOLLOWS THIS PATTERN
1. Introduce conflict
2. Escalate the conflict
3. Move to resolution
4. Resolution

Simple right? And all those 4 parts are equal in length. The tricky part is number 3. Making it slick, fulfilling, and unexpected.

Other than that I just got the new Batman: Arkham City. Played it for an hour last night. Supposedly there are a bunch of alternate Batman costumes, but I don't know how to unlock them. I've never been too nuts about the Batman design in the game. It's always struck me as Gears of War. I prefer Jae Lee's art style. Unfortunately I can't seem to find any pics, but if you ever pick up Batman: Jekyll and Hyde, the first half of it rocks and Jae Lee did the art. So I'd love to be running around as the classic 1980s Batman or the animated series Batman.

From left to right: Batman Beyond, Dark Knight Returns, Batman: Earth One, 1980s Batman, Animated series Batman, and default Arkham Asylum/City Batman (Gears of War Batman.)

I've got a job interview later today and I gotta do some laundry. Later tonight is a Street Fighter meet up group! I'm excited.

Mat Kearney -- Undeniable
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvp8yIsgcpo&ob=av2e

FOCUS!!!

Now I'm about 2 and a half weeks into my unemployment and the struggle has been my wavering degrees of focus. It all depends on what I do first in the morning. If I get up and start writing I'm good. If I do anything else, I'm fucked.

With the TV writing class I have to do much character research. (I'm doing 30 Rock) 2 pages for each main character, 1 page for supporting characters, half a page for misc characters, etc. Also I need to be familiar with all my class mates' TV shows. I can't believe how draining watching TV is. It's one thing to come home from work and watch an episode of something as I have a shot and a beer as I go to bed. It's another thing to be sober and start your day with it. It's just hard to ramp back up. I am also facing the fact that I NEVER developed researching skills. Thank you Texas public schooling. I mean I have the Wikipedia pages in front of me. All I have to do is copy the damn stuff. But I find myself resisting that because I want to take something from it. But there is so  much characterization over the 5 years 30 Rock has been on. Also, most of the characterization is fake and not meant to drive the character but merely a punchline to some obscure joke. Unlike if I were doing a play, I would know that every piece of information were important, for this it's not. But the fan sites and Wikipedia pages include as many of the random fact/jokes as possible. So in order to decided if it's relevant, I end up going to Netflix and watch an episode.  Which obviously delays the characterization document and also muddies my brain. Oy.

I also have no idea how to look for a job. I check Mandy.com each day and end up sending my resume to one or two jobs, but that's not leading anywhere. As for Magnus Rex, they called me yesterday telling me I wasn't needed after all. Bummer. Guess I'll just be playing Batman in Arkham City.

Went on a date with a cute Jewish girl last night. There was more chemistry there than I expected. But I fear we may not be sexually compatible. Feiya, Zach, Tyler, (maybe Matt?) you guys know what I'm talking about. The other one or two of you, if you really want to know, ask. But you probably don't. I just get the vibe (and from her response to certain OkCupid questions,) she's vanilla.

Shows I'm catching up on:
Parenthood
Bored to Death
Parks and Recreation
Mad Men
Plus I'm rewatching a lot of 30 Rock.

Different kind of song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWTVEIEAMb0&feature=related

Head Versus the Heart

If you remember a few posts ago, I had a picture of Batman. I was so proud of myself for drawing it in pen. I blogged about how as an actor I used to act with my head, but I was starting to learn how to act from the heart (or body mind.) Well I'm in the midst of my Same River Twice rewrite. Due notes from numerous sources, I've decided to change the dominant conflict of the second act. In doing this, I am excising whole scenes and speeches while sewing together what  I prized enough to keep with new dialogue. It sort of a Frankenstein if you will. The biggest problem however is that all the new writing is short and to the point, it seems utilitarian, while I'm cutting monologues that meant something but no longer have a place. And that's when I realized, everything I'm doing is coming from the head. I've given my character a new scenario to deal with and I'm writing it pushing toward a plot point rather than taking the time to understand myself emotionally what these characters would be going through. No wonder this new draft seems to have no soul.

With 9 days left, all I can focus on is this new draft. I've not been this stressed out since I moved to New York.  And I'm aiming for an A+.( 98%) Before I just wanted to finish the damn thing. Now it's time to push myself to my limit. I also start my TV writing class at Gotham tonight. So yea that should be fun. OKAY enough procrastinating. Back to the grind...of my soul! But be sure to check out the Avenger's Trailer.

The Head and the Heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3CqR_m6NO0

My freakin' neck.

So I've been writing. A lot. You have to understand. I'm used to spending hours on my feet in the fast paced, high stress, restaurant world. Now I'm unemployed. But I don't just sit on my ass watching TV (okay today I watched the new Dexter and the Breaking Bad finale,) I'm at my computer writing this blog, mackjackandjill, and my main focus; the rewrite of Same River Twice. That's a lot of time sitting on your ass staring at an LCD screen. Especially since when I decided to take a break, I just spent time on OkCupid, (aren't I cute?) I have given my eyes and neck very little relief.  Funny thing about writing for hours. Afterwards, it makes messaging a shit ton easier.

Almost 2 weeks and no drinking. It doesn't get any easier. Sometimes I think, just one beer. Why not? But I never want just one beer. Maybe the first night. But from then I will snowball. It always does.

Other than that I start my TV writing class at Gotham tomorrow. So now I'll have another writing project.

Short post. Love my new iPad. Breaking Bad season 4 didn't disappoint. Best show on TV.



Song that was on that a capella competition show The Sing off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ7uXX9K7Sk

We get it. You're busy.

But I just don't understand why I'm so busy. It's like moment to moment is scheduled to the hour for the next few days. I'm actually very happy about that. It is a good feeling. What's not a good feeling is the overwhelming desire to drink.

Tonight I worked (yes I actually made money for the first time in a week) at a catering job. I hate catering jobs. Setting up crap (I hate) standing around (despise) have no personal interaction with guests while picking up their crap (agony) and finally cleaning up and breaking down (somebody shoot me.) Catering takes everything I love about waiting tables and replaces it with tedium. And to top it all off there was alcohol. Tons of it. Cases of beer. Gallons of liquor. Jugs of 12 year Dewards. As my fellow caters got done, they were allowed to have some. I was sure I was going to cave tonight. Boredom mixed with available alcohol? What's a recovering alcoholic going to do? But some how, some way, I made it. I had a diet coke instead. That's why I'm up at 2:30 am.

Wanted to do a short post. May write another one tomorrow (which would actually be today.) And I need to write another post to mackjackandjill. I've got a couple of ideas. It should be good.

Finally, I would say that very few people have access to this blog and even less read it. I think the only people who might skim these pages are Feiya, Zach, Janelle, Matt, Tyler, and possibly Alice. If anyone is reading this blog please leave comments because a future post is going to be very personal.

Peace
New Pornographers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiVVg8Pjcbk

How the hell'd I get busy?

The posts on this site will likely suffer in frequency. Sorry Feiya and Janelle. But that's because I'm starting a new blog. I've purposefully kept this one private so I could write about more private things. Now it's time for me to start a new blog that's more public. So please visit...dun dun dun duh!...https://mackjackandjill.wordpress.com/ It's brand spankin' new(so it's very unpolished.) It basically filters my New York experience through three different character. So rather than blogging in a journal fashion, I have some fiction and character development. It still needs a lot of work, but I figured it was better that I get something up rather than keeping it as an idea in my head.  The events that happen on MackJackandJill will likely be my own experiences with "poetic/dramatic licence." So keep coming back here, cause I might have the truer event posted.

Otherwise, I finished the first draft of my new play yesterday. I did figure out the last sentences and I'm pretty happy with it. Sent it to my wonderful friend Julia and she seemed to really enjoy it. Now I start rewriting Same River Twice for Hudson Warehouse's play reading series. I really don't want to rewrite that play. For me, it's done and I'm happy with it. But that's not the way the world works. Oy. It's like digging up a grave and prying open the coffin. I think I'm going to start by cutting everything I possibly can. Then, I have to completely restructure the 2nd half. It's going to suck and I've got 2 weeks.

Thursday night I'm helping someone do a catering job. It is such a relief to work and have money coming in. I've been in super thrifty mode (any Jew jokes and I'll kill you. Looking @ you Zach.) since I left Isabellas. And it's paid by the hour so I want to work as much as possibly.

Also today I need to read the script of Ides of March. There's a writer's group I joined when I first got here that sends out the scripts to movies, we read them, meet up see the movie, then discuss it at a bar afterwards. I did it for the movie Source Code. It was really cool to see how much the movie had changed. The girl in the movie was much more interesting in the script. But since it meets on Sundays there was no way I could attend while working at Isabellas. But now I'm free.

Okay, I've put off mutilating my own script long enough. Time to get to work. Check out the new blog. Peace.

The only Weezer song I like on the Green Album
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDR50xgbqdQ

I'm kinda busy.

For being unemployed I have actually have a pretty busy week lined up. Today I'm pinned up in the apartment waiting for the landlord to repaint the bathroom. Which will be good because I have LOADS to get done. I'm mere sentences from finishing my new play. It's about man who can't be remembered by anyone he meets making him permanently anonymous. The working title was Forget Me Not. It wasn't until yesterday that I knew my title: Whatever It's Worth. I really didn't know what my play was about until I wrote the paragraph that ended with the sentence inspiring the title.

I'm meeting up with a friend tomorrow. Seeing 50/50 with my sister and possibly working a catering gig Thursday, have Yom Kippur Friday/Saturday, and meeting up with a writer's group to see Ides of March on Sunday. I swear there is something Wednesday night I'm forgetting. I also need to get started on rewriting my second play, apply for jobs, and get that new blog up and running. Oy.

Went on a date yesterday. I usually end up on dates with people I'm not that into and spend most of the date trying to find that one angle I find them attractive. But not this girl. I met her on Okcupid. Half of her pictures I thought she was attractive, half of them I didn't. The ones I didn't she was wearing sunglasses covering her eyes. Sure enough, in person her eyes did it. She also had a great smile. As much as I liked her, I could tell she wasn't into me. Despite the fact we had similar interests, I couldn't keep the conversation going. It kept dying and then restarting. But at least I went on a date with someone cute.

Last night was also Elena's birthday. It was my first time out at a bar scene sober. The cocktail waitress caught my eye. I decided I would introduce myself and give her number. I never give out my number, I always get theirs. The chance of contact is extremely slim when when you give them your number. But I'm not going to ask someone who's working for their number. I tore off a piece of receipt and wrote down my name, number, and "the water guy" cause she forgot to get me water for like an hour. Then I patiently waited for the right moment. Abruptly she told our party she wanted people to cash out as she was done for the night. From then on she was like a hawk, dropping checks and scooping them up as soon as they were signed. It was not the time for my charms. I waited possibly for a moment on her exit, but figured I missed her. I decided to say my goodbyes to everyone around 1. As I was on my last few people I noticed Linda (I had gotten her name earlier) darting out in her street clothes. She jumped into a cab with a coworker and so another missed opportunity.

I walked to the 1 train, stopping to grab a M&M cookie only to see Linda sitting out side the stop on her phone. I waved and said "Hi Linda." I think she was a little surprised and possibly weirded out. I could imagine what she thought. "This guy from the bar followed me at 1 am???" So I went into the stop and occupied myself on my phone. When she inevitable came down, I didn't give her any attention. She walked passed me but stopped. I kept my distance and said hi again. Then I made a joke how when I was a banquet server I couldn't stand seeing customers post shift. I just wanted to walk passed them unnoticed. This seemed to break the ice pretty well as we sat next to each other on the train and talked the whole time. As we approached my stop I prompted her: "Wanna know a secret? I've been wanted to give you my number since I was in the bar." I pulled out the paper from my pocket and handed it to her. Once again chances are slim. But at least the opportunity wasn't missed.

In both cases tonight, the date and with Linda I didn't advance physically. According to LS, romantic relationships need to advance in three ways. Emotionally, physically, and logistically. Emotion goes from attraction to comfort to sexual. Logistical means you can't stay in the same place too long. Differing locations helps build connection and progress the relationship. Then there is the physical progression. I've been told that emotional progression without physical progression = friend zone. The girl has to get comfortable with you touching her if she's ever going to be comfortable with you kissing her. It's definitely a barometer for how into you someone is. I now watch to see how other guys do this. Gay men are incredible at it. If you ever watch Scott Pilgrim vs the World, notice Wallace. But it's something I've never gotten comfortable doing. With Dangi (the girl on the date) I touched her hand once. She had an interesting birthmark. And I also tried to high five her. She just faintly held her hand up.  But I guess I should be taking more chances and not be afraid to screw it up.    

I've updated my resume and I should probably start applying for jobs now. Behold, my updated resume...ok for some reason my resume won't upload. Ahh...had to convert it from .pdf to .jpg. G-d bless Photoshop. I don't think you can read it. In the past, I've had two resumes. One for my desired field (production work, writing assistant, etc.) and one for waiting tables. The former highlighted my acting/theatre as I had few writing credits. The latter featured my professional experience with restaurants, Best Buy, etc. The new challenge was to design a resume that featured as much as possible while still looking clean, organized, and brief. I decided to remove specifics about each occupation. Gone are phone numbers, addresses, specific dates of employment. Instead I have more detailed job descriptions, a writing experience section, and specific production assistant credits. I think this will work best. Now I can finally start applying for jobs.

Today's song
Big Rock Candy Mountain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYGCpGzFWh0

I wish I had my dvd of O Brother, Where art thou?

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

I auditioned for The Dark Knight Rises today.  Okay two things are wrong with that sentence. It was extra work so it wasn't so much an audition as it was filling out a form and having my picture taken. The other thing is that officially the "audition" was for Magnus Rex, which is widely known as the fake title shooting title for DKR.  Not that I want to venture back into acting again, but to be apart of a Nolan Batman film is any geek's dream. Plus, being unemployed, any money is good. They were looking particularly for people with military and police backgrounds. So I'm guess there's a big military/cop scene. I don't have the experience, I'm kinda short, I'm a little built, but not enough to notice on camera. So I bet my chances are pretty slim. But who knows. It'd be fun. And I walked by Gilbert Gottfried afterwards. Not that he was auditioning, though that would be pretty funny.

The above picture is something I started a few days ago. The lack of drinking makes me less likely to tune out with Netflix and video games at night. There was a time where I used to spending evenings drawing pictures like the one above on a nightly bases. Granted I didn't come up with that, it's copied from a picture in the excellent series GCPD, a graphic novel series centered around the Gotham City Police Department. The comic itself hits a theme that I absolutely adore.  That theme being, living in a world of something fantastic, how does it affect those on the sidelines (or those in the center) from a realistic and human perspective. What happens when two cops, following the lead on a kidnapping, run into Mr. Freeze? How does a major crimes unit deal with losing one of their own to a super villain way out of their league? The concept of taking the fantastic and dealing with realistic reactions I find utterly fascinating. It's why I love the Nolan Batman movies, it's why I appreciate Cloverfield, it's why I hate any action movie with a superfluous explosion or any collateral damage that the hero doesn't get chewed out for. And it's something all of my personal writing will always strive for to some degree.  

Another important note about the picture above is that it was done in pen. Not pencil, pen. That distinction may seem meaningless to you, but I assure you there is something very important to my personal and artistic growth signified by that drawing being done in pen. That distinction? Control and trust. All though my 6+ years of acting the number one note most frequently given was that I'm "a heady actor" or that I was "thinking too much." When you tell a person that lives in their head those notes, it's like telling a fish to enjoy a walk on the beach. The concept is completely alien. As a thinker, the only way I know how to solve problems is by thinking. The problem doesn't get fixed? Think harder. It likely stems from a deeply rooted fear or lack of trust in myself. I can't let go because at any moment I could fuck up and it would all go to hell. That might be all well and good for science or math, but for art? Not so much. Art comes from a very different place. Once again I was told that for years. It wasn't until my final year of acting that I learned how to let go. In my last two shows, I finally got comfortable enough to put my foot on the gas and let it get out of control.

So what the fuck does that have anything to do with pen vs pencil? When I went back to drawing, after this acting epiphany, I applied the same concept. Rather than sketching with pencil, constantly erasing and course correcting until I finally got it as perfect as possible (which it never did.) I decided to say fuck it. Trust my years of drawing, and let my body mind take over. (Body mind is a term borrowed from Timothy Gallwey's The Inner Game of Tennis which is essentially a book about this very concept.) Sure enough, the picture turned out pretty damn well.  But judge for yourself.

The original.

This concept has also been applied to my writing. Stephen King, in his book On Writing, advises that instead of doing major plots and outlines, he tends to put in characters in situations and then he lets them figure it out. He even has an exercise to help you do it. With my first two plays, I would sit for days daydreaming and brainstorming before anything was actually written on paper. With my newest play (which is mere lines away from a completed first draft) I took to King's suggestion. I got out of my own way and let the characters sort it out. I have to say the results are pretty marvelous. More on that play in a future post.

I was going to spend most of this blog post talking about Moneyball. It's pretty late so I'll just give you the skinny. Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill in a sports movie. I didn't care until I saw Aaron Sorkin's name in the credit on the trailer. Then I was curious. It got great reviews and it rightly deserves them. The movie is fantastic. Most sports movies are about an underdog player or team struggling to win the championship once and for all. Their particular struggle is what makes the movie unique. What would The Fighter have been without Christian Bale?  Moneyball is a sports film that plays by slightly different rules. Yes it still has the underdog team and it still has the montage where they team makes its transition from sucky to good. But this film has more. Much much more. Dialogue, humor, acting, characters, and something else that I haven't given enough thought to yet to clearly define. There is not a scene in this movie that is boring. And Brad Pitt nails the character and because of it, the heart of the movie. Moneyball even transformed a song I hated into something that almost made me cry.

That song.
The Show:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgh6HQSM1gM

Wow. All I want is a beer right now. This sucks. I didn't write anything today. I went to Rosh Hashana services. Came home for about two hours then it was off to Aunt Fran and Uncle Stan's for dinner. I decided to download the Kindle app for my phone so I wouldn't have to carry my Kindle around and I'd read in the car. I get pretty motion sick when I do that so I bought Dramamine. Unfortunately, the Dramamine made me feel really sick in the car, then when we finally got to Aunt Fran and Uncle Stan's made me so drowsy that I had to fight to stay awake the whole time.

Now I'm home. Having every night free, no drinking, and not having any friends who aren't working is a bad mix. I can't bring myself to do anything fun like play video games or watch TV (what I used to do when I drank.) I can't go out because I don't want to spend money. And I can't focus on anything productive because I don't want to drink any coffee this late.

I tried to update my resume. I used an already made writer's resume in Microsoft Works and just changed it so all the information applied to me. But there are all these "cells" or something used in the formatting that I can't seem to make it do what I want it to. I find myself struggling to move or insert a "2009-Present" cell only to have it make half of my resume disappear. 

I've got all this tension. I know it will go away if I have a shot or drink a beer or something. But it's this tension I want to make me do what I need to do.  Despite the opinion I don't think I'm getting anything done, Matt says that each day I don't drink is an accomplishment in and of itself. Perhaps I'll try some meditation???

Happy Jewish New Year

I'm not going to services tonight. I'm going tomorrow morning and meeting up with some family in the evening. I feel bad I'm not going to services though. My new approach to life was to coincide with the New Year. It feels wrong I'm not fully committing to the holiday. However, I'm not a member of a synagogue and to join one isn't the cheapest thing. 

I started sketching some character ideas for the coming blog. Essentially these are caricatures of my friend Jake and my friend Chris. I have always strived to make my art either realistic or abstract. I've never been very good at cartoony.  Granted I used to draw X-Men a lot, but that's not exactly the look I'm going for. I'd like to distill the characters down to something pretty simple and quick. Perhaps two art styles? (ala 3 Panel Soul?) Maybe I'll try to draw some established comics to get the feel for the style.

The more effort I put into this blog and the future blog, the harder it is for me to concentrate on my 3rd play that I'm wrapping up.  Forget Me Not, the working title, has hit a snag. It's my first love story. I'm generally not happy with most fiction love stories. They oversimplify and the characters fall for attributes that I don't believe people in real life actually respond to.  However, I'm not sure I'm writing anything better.

I am procrastinating finding a new job because I really don't know how to go after it. No one else seems to have any idea either. I've been Craigslisting for "writing assistant" but all I really see are postings for copy writers or social media jobs. I guess I could do that. I also need to update and consolidate my resume. Is it worth having my Best Buy and waiting tables on a writing resume? Do I try to incorporate my 6 years of acting experience? Now that Same River Twice has been accepted into a play reading series should I make an "awards and achievements" section? Hopefully, the writing class I'm taking will give me some connections and advice.

A capella version of Hallelujah -- freakin' beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pmsOHc4keM&feature=player_embedded

The new day.

This is it. I'm living the dream. I can now officially call myself a starving artist.

Yesterday was my last day at work. I am not legally supposed to talk about the place as I had signed a confidentiality agreement. Or at least, I think I signed it.  And I don't know if that extends past my period of employment. Who reads contracts these days anyway? But if they really wanna sue me for crap I write about in this blog, go ahead. I don't plan on revealing any big secrets. *The Hay and Straw Linguine is people!!!*

My last day was pretty lame. I had to work a double shift (for the 2nd day in a row) and I got some of the worst tips I've ever made in my 6 years of waiting tables. New York may have higher priced menu items, but that doesn't mean shit if you're taking in <10% tips from the plethora of foreigners. Someone even took both copies of the receipt on a $70 check. I guess it was a sign that I'm moving in the right direction. In the last two days I served a couple of regulars who I broke the news of my departure.  Upon disclosing writing as my reason for leaving, some of them revealed they had connection to writing in some way and gave me their business cards. Not really sure if I should bother following up.

I'm a little worried about my social life. All the friends I made in New York in the last 6 month all work (or did) at Isabellas. So they'll be busy a lot. Since I don't plan on going to bars (as the sans drinking has begun) that limits my social areas. I've tried Meetup.com and I'd like to find a writer's circle. Other than that I'm out of ideas. Guess I'll be wandering the streets of New York alone.

I think I've got a decent blog idea. Rather than a run of the mill "Hi, I'm Ben, this is my blog, I'm going to write about X," I got the idea to combine a web comic with a blog. The blog will be written from two voices: friend A and friend B and their experiences in New York.  Friend A will likely be trying to pursue a writing career (one of the blog topics I wanted to write about) while Friend B's writings will be more romance/pick up based (the Neil Strauss idea.) I'll be able to review movies and video games, but have the two different characters have conflicting ideas about the subject matter. All that will be done likely in text/blog form. I'll use my own drawing/painting as comics to punctuate the blog (rather than have a 3 panel format/setup punch line.) I know it's very Penny-Arcade/every other webcomic ever. But by making it more blog-centric, using my own experiences, then skewing those experiences throw the lens of these character's fiction, I can make something entertaining, compelling, creative, and funny while challenging me to do more than document, but also create.  Thoughts? Comments?

I think want an iPad for my birthday. When I moved to New York, I sold my desktop and laptop to buy a better laptop. The idea was to go to coffee shops in New York and sit and write as I had done in Seattle. But New York doesn't work that way. Coffee shops are very crowded. If you are at a table and there is an unoccupied chair, chances are a stranger is going to sit there. Computer running low on batter? Good luck finding a wall outlet. There may be one in the establishment and you can bet your ass that guy who has been there for hours isn't moving for another 4 or 5. Also, once I leave my apartment I don't plan on coming back till the end of the day. That means I have have my workout clothes, my laptop, my kindle, and whatever other crap I have in my backpack that I'm lugging around as I walk for miles in the streets of New York. I don't like the idea of everything that's on my computer is on my back. What if my bag gets stolen? What if it rains and I forgot my umbrella?(as the case of the They Might Be Giants concert.) An iPad is light, small, has a good version of Celtx,( my script writing program) and much better battery life. I'd have to get the bluetooth keyboard, but no biggie.

My brother thinks I should wait for the iPad 3 or get a Macbook Air. I don't really want to spend $1000 on a new computer. Granted it would be lighter, but once again I don't like the idea of carrying around my whole computer all the time. I just want something portable to write with. As for waiting for the iPad 3, traditionally new iPads come out in March/April. However, Apple's traditional product cycle has kinda been  thrown out the window. Some websites think they'll release the 3 before Christmas, other sites say that the chips necessary for the iPads haven't been ordered yet meaning production hasn't even started, making a Christmas release impossible. Also it won't be my birthday in March/April. So what do you think? Macbook Air just so I can write? Get an iPad 2 when a 3 is around the corner?

Worked Up So Sexual -- The Faint.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsHb7_Rdbuk

I met with someone from the theatre company yesterday. We went over notes about the play, but communication seemed limited. He would make a point about the play to which I would cite moments in my play where what he was suggesting occurred, only for him reissue the same comment. The company wants a rewrite on my play by October 15th to 21st.  So in addition to that, I need to finish the play I'm currently working one, another 10 minute play I need to have done by October 2nd, and I start a writing class on October 14th. And update this blog. Plus I'll need to find a new job.  It's funny, I'll be busier now that I'll be unemployed.

Two days ago I didn't have anything to drink. Last night I had one beer. Both of those are anomalies. My routine has been to have a minimum of 3 drinks before bed. I usually get that drunk (often more so) and put on a Futurama or Arrested Development via Netflix. I plan to get drunk at least one more time, after my last shift. But that's really more for the people at work then it is for me. After that I will spend the next 10 days sober. The ten days coincide with the ten days between Rosh Hashana.

"The ten days starting with Rosh Hashanah and ending with Yom Kippur are commonly known as the Days of Awe (Yamim Noraim) or the Days of Repentance. This is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider the sins of the previous year and repent before Yom Kippur."--http://www.jewfaq.org/

Seems like a good time to be sober. I haven't been continuously sober since I was 22. Around the time I was 23 I gave up pot. Or at least to the degree I was smoking it. From then I transitioned to alcohol. The alcohol was fine for a while. But within the last year it has gotten out of control. Thank God, it hasn't interfered with work or gotten me into trouble. Though most people from work practically laugh when I tell them I think I have a problem.

I caught the new show Person of Interest this morning. It stars James Caviezel (Jesus, The Passion of the Christ) and Michael Emerson (Ben Linus, LOST.) I'm watching it for Emerson. The premise is Caviezel's character John Reese former military bad ass now hobo because he lost the love of his life is approached by a Mr. Finch (Emerson.) It seems that Mr. Finch built a machine for the government after 9/11 that lets them monitor virtually all digital communication, public cameras, and internet activity. Using all this collected data, the machine deciphers probable major terrorist attacks. The machine also produces limited information on day to day premeditated crimes. (Murders/extortion/corruption etc.) However, these lesser, non terrorist crimes are simply discarded by the government. Mr. Finch felt guilty about these discarded predicted crimes and decides to hire John Reese so the two of them can prevent those crimes on their own. Unfortunately the machine doesn't give Finch much information. It simply gives him a social security number. He doesn't know if the person is a victim or a criminal. Just that someone bad is going to happen involving this person. Reese using his excellent military skills and Finch using his ability to hack into every piece of technology (people's cell phones, subway cameras, a laptop's webcam) the two of them to monitor their "person of interest." Think: that super computer that Batman and Morgan Freeman use at the end of The Dark Knight.  Essentially, it's a less sci-fi version of Quantum Leap mixed with Minority Report. The show seems run of the mill and cliche, but it's only a pilot and it's also CBS.

With that I had better get to my other writings.

Make You Smile (+44)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOXbogK-Ujk

The beginning of the end!

The title is a little over dramatic. I just think it's funny. Movies and TV use the tag line to say "It's the end" but giving them the freedom to continue. When the movie Star Trek: Nemesis came out Patrick Stewart was on the talk show circuit and in an interview (I think it was Conan) the interviewer was like, "so it's the end?" To which Stewart replied "It's the begging of the end." Implying there could be more movies. Of course, Nemesis was a terrible movie and it was the last one.

Funny story about titles. I was told that Star Trek: Nemesis was originally going to be called Star Trek: Resurrection  but Alien: Resurrection was a bad movie so they changed the name. Consequently Resident Evil: Apocalypse was supposed to be named Resident Evil: Nemesis (after the video game)  but changed it's name because the Star Trek movie was so poorly received. 

Well that was a good bit about nothing. At least I'm writing in this blog. I find it a personal achievement to be writing this as well as writing my play. In my pursuit of the goal to get a blog started I've run into the obstacle of picking a topic. Unlike this blog which is more of a journal/place to try out play ideas, a presentable and possibly lucrative blog apparently needs to have a topic. So yesterday I brainstormed topics:

Video games
Love/romance/dating
Art
Short stories
Technology
Restaurants/ waiting tables
Blu Ray/Dvds/Movies
Wine
Addiction/Recovery
Politics
Aspiring writer
Fetishes

I figured that the one in bold would probably be the best choice.  I can talk about video games and movies, but to be honest I don't keep on the cutting edge of either one. I suppose if I wanted a job at IGN or IMDB I could really focus and try to play video games and movies all the time and make a respectable blog. But I don't want to go in a journalism direction. Plus a video game blog on the internet is like a racial slur at a KKK rally. I'm not likely to get noticed.

I gave serious consideration to a "Guy's dating blog." Turn myself into Neil Strauss and document my adventures at the bars and clubs. But if I'm going to kick drinking, I should probably put dating aside. Generally you're not supposed to start relationships when you are quitting. Plus, I get pretty emotional when I'm dating and I could see myself falling back to drinking.

So I started looking at TV/Film writer's blog and started using the RSS feed. Crazy using the internet for reading rather than Gmail-->Facebook-->IGN-->Kotaku-->Slickdeals-->repeat. I've already gotten some good advice. Now I just need a title. The only clever one I could come up with was Write On Track which was, of course, taken.

In addition to writing some more of my new play, I am trying to get a 10 minute play written for a competition due October 2nd. 10 minute plays are kind of a bitch. You don't have enough time to develop anything substantial so you are essentially writing sketch comedy. The competition topic is the supernatural. The one thing I always write about and I have writer's block. Then I remembered a short piece I wrote when I first started writing. It's perfect for the competition. Just need to clean it up a bit. Maybe I'll throw it up here in on the blog. Or just ask me for it.

Lastly my play Same River Twice is likely going to be read in a play reading series in December. (Assuming I incorporate some notes the theatre company has given me) I feel most of their notes are accurate. But there is one that bothers me. I meet with one of the people today to discuss the notes over coffee. So that's kinda exciting.


Song of the day.  Back to Owl City. At first I didn't like the new album very much. But it's starting to grow on me. This is Yacht Club. It's not great, but  it has a really cool part at 2 min 50 seconds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47wu7Q-D29Y

A new beginning.

I am in the final week of my job. I have decided to quit. I moved to New York City 6 months ago to fully pursue writing. In that time I have become tremendously sidetracked. The end of my job will coincide with Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year. 

My goals are as follows. 

• Find a job in writing/television/film or anything that helps me develop my writing skills or networking.
• Quit drinking. It's really gotten out of control. I hope to be able to handle this on my own, without a support group or twelve step program. But I am prepared to enlist in one if necessary. Ideally if I could moderate myself to 2 drinks max a day, that would be perfect. But I honestly don't think I'm capable of that. 
• Work out 4-5 times a week.
• Healthy eating. Minimal carbs. More vegetables.  Avoid eating after 8pm. 
• Start and maintain a blog. This forum is great for me, but I've never felt it professional nor presentable. 

For the immediate future I plan to be unemployed and living off my savings. That's a pretty scary notion. If need be I'll have to go back to waiting tables but hopefully it won't have to come to that.

5 hours and 2 women.

If you've never worked as a server, there's probably a good chance you might be doing things that piss the wait staff off. His is a general list of faux pas;

I"ll get the big one out of they way. We're hoping for 20% and that includes alcohol. Why wouldn't it? I got you the bottle the glasses, kept your glasses full while you drank it. 15% is still acceptable but unless I fucked up on your table, c'mon don't be stingy. What you may not realize is that I actually have to tip out the support staff from my tips. That means the bussers, runners, bartenders, coffee person, host, and wine sommelier are getting a chunk of my tips. One place I worked based that number on my sales. So if your check was 100 bucks, regardless of what you tipped me 5-7 bucks was getting tipped out. So $20 yea! $10, crap, I'm only walking with 3-5 bucks. Don't give me the "verbal tip" by telling me I was the best server you've ever had then leaving me 12% and don't tell me I was so good I deserve a raise, that's what the tips for. Also, tell the manager, not me. I know I'm good. The managers don't always. You might get me in a better section tomorrow night or out of the dog house if one of the managers don't like me.  Generally, tips don't get to me. I usually get good tips and if I do get a shitty tip, it balances with really good one. So let's move on to...

"One Timing." One timing is the process of sending me to get your table something on multiple trips almost immediately. Remember I have 3-6 other tables I'm waiting on. I have a laundry list of things I need to get done with dozens of obstacles in the way. Multi-tasking and consolidating my steps is essential to my success. So when I bring you your refill of diet coke, then you ask me for some more dressing, I go and get it. Then your friend decided she wants extra dressing too, I go and get it. Now your boy friend wants a cup of ice to put in his Cab (I don't know why, someone did ask me for that this week,) you've just sent me one 4 trips when I could have done it in one, and now I am behind with all my tables. Oh and adding when you get a chance! doesn't help. It doesn't let me know "you're on my side and that you understand." If I got you the extra parmesan "when I had the chance" your salad would be done, you'd have finished that 1/2 portion of chicken you're sharing with your girlfriend, and you'd be drinking your skim milk cappuccino. And for fuck's sake don't ask me to take your picture! It's one thing if you see me calmly walking around or chatting with my other servers. No problem. But if you see me clearing tables or with a tray full of drinks or perhaps you notice that all the tables around you are getting sat with customers at the exact same moment, this is not the time for you to ask me to drop everything and shove a digital camera in my face. Then don't give me 2 or 3 other fucking cameras. We live in the digital age. Email it while I get that cappuccino "when I have the chance." Lastly, don't tell me "it's the button on the right." I know how to work a fucking camera. 

Cash and split the rest on the cards. You got the bill, you give me some cash and two credit cards. You want me to keep the cash and put the remaining amount on the cards. This in and of itself isn't a problem. Here's what is: $200 check. You've given me $100 bucks cash and two credit cards. I give you back to credit cards with $50 bucks on each one. You then leave $10  for each card. You and your buddies just left me a 10 percent tip. No customer ever seems to get this concept. Just because you left me cash for half the bill doesn't make the tip go away. Or rather, I guess it does.  The only thing you could do to piss me off more is take both copies of the receipt. When you do that we get nothing. And in the case of the restaurant where we tip out based on sales, I just lost money taking your table. Thanks!

Here's the next one. It's 11:55 pm. You're hungry and for some damn reason you don't go to a bar that's open till 4 am. No, let's go to this restaurant that is almost completely empty and closes in 5 minutes! Now because of your hungry drunk ass; a server, 2-3 bussers, at least one cook, a bartender, a dessert guy, and a manager wait for you to get your appetizer, entree, dessert, coffee while you admire how beautiful a night it is!

Now we come the subject line. Two women sat in my section last night for 5 hours. They were my first table and my last one. Here's something to be aware of, by sitting at a table for a prolonged period of time, you're stopping me from getting another table. So if you order another drink or two, that's nice, but in your place, I could get a 4 top that is ordering appetizers and entrees and possibly a bottle of wine. For the most part I don't really care that much. For some servers, money is their primary goal. Sell you the most expensive items, get you out, get the next table. For me, I genuinely do care about your experience. I want you to leave happy. So if you're sitting there talking to your buddy, I can focus on my other tables and give them that experience.

However, I want to get the fuck out of there. Servers don't have a time we get off. Based on how busy the restaurant is, a manager will look around the restaurant and decide if they need all the servers currently staffed. Once they feel business has died down, they will "make cuts." Certain servers will be told they are "cut," meaning that any new tables sat in their section will go to other servers and they just need to wait till their current customers have paid out. Let me say that again, I stay until you have paid your check. So if you find yourself in a restaurant, it's pretty late, and you maybe notice that your server is not talking to any surrounding tables and every 10 minutes or so is asking if you need anything (or perhaps glaring at your from down the hall) there's a good chance you are keeping them from going home. You don't need to leave, you can keep chatting away with your friend, just ask for the check, pay, and sign the damn thing.  Those two ladies I mentioned earlier, they sat with their check for 30+ minutes. When I came to take the payment, their reply was "hahaha, we haven't even looked at it." They came in, ordered their drinks at 6:05 pm, I gave them their check at 10:47 pm. Even after I ran the card they took 10 minutes to sign.  I finished my paper work, changed and they were still sitting there as I left. Oh and for 5 hours + at my table they only left me 15%.

Start A War - The National
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1UwnMJ-5KE

A Support Group.

I went with a friend to a support group today. I've always resisted the notion that I would be someone who had to got them despite my trouble with my own addictions. I figured sooner or later I'd end up at one but I never wanted to admit that my life is out of my own control. The meeting was for an addiction that didn't apply to me so I did say anything. If you've never been to a meeting or never seen it's representation on TV, people sit around in a circle and talk. You're not to make any comments or give feed back unless you want to at the end of the meeting. Usually when I sit in groups (school, work) I spend my time thinking about what I'm going to say and I don't really listen. But here in this circle I listened like I've never listened. When you are in a support group the defenses are down. You're not hiding or trying to prove anything. The people are so damn vulnerable. The very air in the room is so fundamentally different. I started crying during someone speech. Not cause what they said directly, but because what was being said allowed my own internal journey to what troubles me.

I also noticed that a lot of people in the room were left handed. I wonder if we're predisposed to addictions.

Envy on the Coast
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z42r4x5NY38

...

In order to write I have to have the perfect mix of alcohol and coffee. And due to tolerance and other factors that perfect mix changes day to day. I feel like there is a chunk missing from me. That I'm capable of so much more but because of this handicap I'm obstructed. I feel like a boy in a 27 year old's body. I have ideas but no way to deliver them. I fear the path I'm on is sending me in the direction of a wasted life. Everyday I waste while wondering what I should be doing.  It pains me to see those who have figured it out. The couples on the subway. My friends getting Broadway roles. The managers at my work who are younger than me. I pass by a bar in Chelsea and spy a group of friends chatting over beers. Why is this beyond me? I feel stilted and stunted. Neglected and subdued. I'm falling. And the only thing I know how to do anymore is fall deeper.

Song:
Hello
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYQBptoNvp0

When I Sit to Write - A poem -

Blank and white;
emptiness taunts.
I'm numb and absent,
but only when I sit to write.

A walk through the city
or a trudge at work
The emotions can cripple,
but evaporate when I sit to write.

Brown, the color of my tools;
crystals brewed in an instant,
or spirits in bottles,
increasingly ineffective as I sit to write.

As a hungry child;
inspiration simmered.
A ratatouille of dreams
begging to be perfected.

Now an adult;
emaciated and exhausted.
Doubt consumes,
if I fail when I sit to write.


Today's song by Freelance Whales
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUQIRh5jkYI

Miracles.

This may end up in a play I'm writing.

      "I don't get to be myself very often. Some people by nature are celebrated for being themselves. Others are ostracized and crucified for it. Being myself has gotten me into trouble and forsaken. As a general rule, people tend not to be interested in what I find interesting. So I usually sit back, jump into my head and I wonder. Why am I so different? What am I doing wrong? Will this ever change? Will I ever be valued for my personality rather than my work ethic?
    Then there is you. Who I am most guarded around, who I'm most sensitive to. Men who decry their deepest vulnerability,  that they like you, are rejected for it. I am like them. I would lie on top of you all night listening to the working of mind will soothing to the rhythm of your heart beat.
     Part of me believes there is a chance you not only would accept me for all my aloof eccentricities, but would cherish me for them.  There is a hint of a feeling that might be the case. But the part of me that believes that is the same part of me that believes in destiny and God. And when I take a step back and look at the suffering of the world, I want to chastise myself for ever putting stock in that absurdity. Cause you and me would be a miracle. And I don't believe in miracles."

Today's Song: Dire Straits
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XVVZPefbR4&feature=related

Karaoke.

The DJ calls my name. The timing is perfect as the conversation with Hanna and Sarah was just starting to go dry. I used the "would you go back in time opener." It's a good conversation starter because it segues into my play. Hanna looked like a fairy tale character. Either a Gretel or Alice from Wonderland.

When I get to the mic, the DJ asks in her showmanship karaoke persona if I'm a super hero. I didn't have anything clever to come back with. Earlier in the night as I was waiting for my song to come up, before I worked up the courage to approach Hanna and Sarah, I asked the bartender to give me a clean glass. I then put two dollars in the glass, set it down in front of the DJ and jokingly demanded to know why she didn't have a tip jar. So I imagine the super hero comment stemmed from that. But my intentions were to get my song called faster.

Karaoke bars never have the songs I want to sing. I tend to listen to less than popular music. Some Karaoke DJs do a great job of updating their play lists, but still they aren't going to have Far by Coheed and Cambria, or My Mirror Speaks by Death Cab. I learned Love the Way You Lie in anticipation of it being a popular song and all the bars having it and of course they never do. So I usually will choose a Counting Crows song. Recently I have been getting into Red Hot Chili Peppers so I decided to sing Under the Bridge.

I try to sing songs I have an emotional connection with. I'm not that good of a singer and in a city of aspiring singers and actors, it's hard to enjoy myself on the karaoke floor. But if I have a connection to the song, if I can drive the lyrics from my own pain or joy or what ever, I imagine the song penetrates somehow. I mean, when I'm singing at karaoke, I'm there to win the audience even if that's not realistically going to happen. This bar didn't even have a stage or even a stage area. You were standing next to the entrance, next to the bar, with maybe two feet around you. So the chances of you turning anyone's head are pretty slim. But I still have the goal. The song comes up quick and I have trouble syncing with it. I'm off a little bit. The slow serene beginning has evaporated and now I'm on to the whiny bellowing part of the song. Part of me just says fuck it and I shut my eyes and let go. I don't know if I came off as a maniac or transcendent or just drunk. But when it was over, I doubt I changed anyone's night.

I thank the DJ, go back to Hanna. She says she "enjoyed my interpretation" of the song, whatever that means. I say goodbye without asking for her number and I'm out the door in seconds. I get home, have another shot and watch about 10 minutes of LOST. Then I do something stupid. I text someone I need to stop texting. I texted this person almost exactly 24 hours prior. No response to that message and no response to this one.
I've been approaching girls a lot lately. But I almost never ask for their number. I just want her to respond to my texts again.

Steadier Footing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3F-Dw4Sup0

Burdens, disillusionment, and management.

There's a relatively new manager at the place I work. There's something about her. I'm not sure I can boil it down to a single word. It's a kindness. A determination to satisfy everyone. I've seen it before in others new managers. And ultimately it withers. Because you can't please everyone. As a manager you have three bodies you deal with. Your customers, your employees, and your bosses.  And it's impossible to satisfy all three. Eventually you're going to have to say "fuck it" to someone. Some managers say "fuck it" to the employees. They put up a wall and guard themselves from personal investment. They don't care about individual fairness, rules are rules. Others take a different approach. They'll roll their eyes at asinine corporate policies. They think about their job from the employees perspective. Some say "fuck it" to all three. These ones have checked out. There was a manager at a place I worked named Steve. He often was drunk on shift and I believe the only joy he got was talking to children with finger puppets the hosts used to give away.

I've seen this disillusionment so clearly. At the aforementioned establishment, the owners did away with the middle management and replaced it with a robust management staff. Two of the middle managers took promotions to full management and there was an air of hope. These two middle managers spent years as servers, they would be our voice in the paradigm's new direction.  But just as one of the other managers was preparing to take maternity leave, another was fired. The staff of five became a staff of three. Never have I ever seen someone as over worked as those three. Over the next few months, I would witness idealistic determination buckle under burden and finally crumble into apathy.

Eventually a new manager, Matt, was brought on. The process of finding and training him almost exactly coincided with the return of the manager on maternity leave. However, Matt never seemed to get the hang of it. He always seemed behind the curb. I pitied him. Granted he had a beautiful wife and two adorable children. But his suit was never tailored and he commanded no presence. The fact that he came to me for advice on food allergies, at first was fine. But a few months into the job, this persisted and it robbed me of confidence in him. I left that place for New York not too long after that so I don't know if he ever found his grove.

For this new manager, I'm not convinced I've seen the true her. I'm seeing someone still putting their best mask on. It's a noble effort. But ultimately I am not convinced it can persist.  I can see the exhaustion wearing at her. Hopefully, soon she'll get the "hang of it." Because it's really only then, when you fully understand the goings on of the restaurant, are you really able to be the manager your true personality will let you become.  So until I see her with her mask discarded, whether it be from frustration or from finally owning the position, I cannot trust her.


Today's song:
The Ravonettes - Hallucinations
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mw91tPJyPyI

Racy Days

"It's gone. I had it for just a second. Or rather I let myself believe I had it. And that's what's dangerous. That belief. It's crippling. The feeling it's gone. And I'm so much less the man for it. I promised myself I wouldn't fall for it again." -From a play I have yet to write.

I am starting to see my life become routine and I have to fight that. I have to always keep at the forefront why I'm here. I've said before that this city is full of people with dreams. And I can see how people get trapped in their routine and lose sight of their dream. I sent my a friend and his wife my most recent play. The wife, Madison, said some very kind works. "Well first of all I did NOT intend to sit down and read your WHOLE play tonight. So I think the fact that I did is GREAT news for you!" It was a little jarring. Sent a little jolt, reminding me that I should spend more time writing and less time memorizing the ingredients in the menu items in the new restaurant. 


I can see how people get pissed off in this city, so I'm striving to keep a log of things worth inspiring or just generally positive things. Today:
Michelle.  She's a girl I work with. She's only been at my restaurant a few months more than me but I'm ready to label her the "mother" of Isabella's. She bought doughnuts for a girl at work cause it was the day after her birthday. Michelle is always looking out for everyone. She's got a heart the size of Texas and the brain of an Ivy Leaguer. A true force to be reckoned with. 


Today's song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvN9AGmh8Fs&feature=fvst

Been a while.

I've been living in New York for more than two months now and I can honestly say I love it. For those who don't know, I'm living in an apartment on the upper west side of Manhattan a block away from Central Park, three blocks from a metro station, and about five blocks from a Whole Foods and a Michaels. Granted I've not started painting again, but once I do, the Michaels will be a valuable resource.

This city is fantastic. Yes, there is a lot to be pissed off about. Public enemy number one: Duane Reade the most overpriced of all convenience stores. They never restock anything (I went to three in one day to find a legal pad, a legal pad!) and the clerks don't pay attention to you. But as much as there is to be pissed off about, there always seems to be something to make up for it. In Seattle, I'd write at my local Starbucks or I'd journey to the U-district. Here every Starbucks is packed and a lot of them don't have power outlets so people don't stay on their laptops all day.  But Starbucks' loss is Central Park and Tissire's gain. The former - I never though I'd enjoy writing outside, the latter - a little known 7th avenue coffee house that no one goes to because it's next door to a Starbucks. At first glance, you'd think it's a little pastry cafe, but turns out there there is an expansive back area that no one enters. Perfect for solitude.

I've been seeing Broadway shows by rushing them. I can't believe I'm seeing first run premiers from playwrights like Mammet, Gurgis, and Lindsay-Abaire. I've even written reviews for some of them.
http://culturemob.com/manhattan-theatre-clubs-good-people-asks-what-makes-a-person-good
http://culturemob.com/review-the-motherfker-with-the-hat
Walking out of them gives me the awe and fullness not experienced since childhood. Ben Stiller was 4 feet away from me as he choked the life out of Edie Falco in The House of Blue Leaves.


But given the theatre, beautiful women (and I mean both physical and mental,) the architecture, Central Park, and the intangible but undeniable energy that you can just feel some days walking around, my favorite thing here are the dreams. Everyone's got one and everyone's here to fight for it. The people of this city are here to go after what they've always wanted. The door man has a script. Your waitress is an actor. I've met more dancers on the subway than I ever did in Meany Studio. It's both encouraging and intimidating. But it makes me feel like I'm in the right place.

Current song:
DCFC: My Mirror Speaks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPLlCcE-Dq8