Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

This past week has been emotionally erratic. The Modern Family research has been really trick. I mean all you have to do is watch the damn show, but I really hate sitting, hour after hour watching it. I've also struggled to stay focused on my blog.
It's one thing to sit down and start writing an idea. I've become remarkably adept at that (which is where most writer's falter.) But there are other hurdles tripping me up and they are stultifying. Another example, I am applying to a CBS fellowship. Fellowships are much better then contests. They're free (usually) and you actually meet producers, show runners, head writers, etc and they usually result in a job. So I've got this fellowship application in front of me. I've got my 30 Rock script written and current. I've got a strong second entry (they want something not TV) so I've got a newly edited 3rd draft of Same River Twice ready to go. But what stops me? Resume or bio. It's just a stupid thing, but I don't know how to present myself. I've been told if I don't have a resume write a bio. I don't have much writing experience so what do I pad it with? All my acting experience? Do I throw in that I had a personal writing coach named Charles Waxberg who has a great resume himself? Do I go into detail about what I'm good at as a writer that sets me apart? It just feels so wrong and rudimentary.
Same thing with the website. I keep telling myself to write the page content on its then do the bells and whistles later, but then I spend 45 minutes trying to get the lettering size right and a good background. I get frustrated and close the browser window.
The ball of fire that used to drive me feel like it is extinguishing. I feel like I'm running on "this is what I should do" rather than "this is what I want to do."

On the other end of things, Marilyn has called me a couple of times. She's the last girl I dated. Without going into too much detail, she's the first person I was excited to date in a long time. She broke things off for a few reasons. But ultimately because I was eventually going to move to LA and she didn't want to get involved. That break up was the inciting incident to the firm August move date.
But another reason she broke things off was because I was good at getting past her emotional walls. I must say I'm pretty in touch with my feelings and emotional intimacy has always been easy for me. She didn't like that, it made her feel uncomfortable. She called me probably about two weeks ago about a crisis she didn't feel like she had anyone else to turn to. That made me feel good. But it also made me start to see "us" as a possibility (despite the logical acknowledgement of it still being an impossibility.) We chatted briefly on gchat since. But then a few nights ago she drunk dialed me waking me up.  I was glad she did. We had a talk I barely remember but I know it was along the lines of emotional walls coming down again.
Yesterday I got another gchat message from her, and just as conversation gets going she pulls this out of left field:

Marilyn:i like talking to youbut i hate talking to you.

  it's very much a love-hate thing.

 me: :(

 Marilyn: it's not your fault

  it's that you allow me to be emotionally weak when i talk to you

 me: And why would you hate talking to me?

 Marilyn: and i don't feel like i can ever afford to do that.

  i get to fall apart when i talk to you

7:20 PM and then it takes forever to put myself together again.

  i hate it

  but i like having the freedom to do so

 me: You're not the only one who has to put themselves back together after we talk.

 Marilyn: fair enough.

 me: It's why I don't contact you.

7:21 PM Marilyn: well aren't we a bunch of masochists

 me: But always welcome it when you message me all the same.

 Marilyn: i'm sorry.

 me: Look forward to it even.

7:22 PM Though it sounds like you putting yourself back together is more strenious than me.

7:23 PM But look at it this way...

7:24 PM You're going to fall apart sooner or later regardless, better you do it with me than at some random moment or when you're all alone.

This has left me in a sort of emotional limbo. Clearly there is something there that she refuses to let happen, but at the same isn't going to let go of. And I am moving to LA. She won't change that. But I still feel really cheated. She and I connected on something that I never connect on anyone with. She robbed me of that exploration. Yes I want to be there for her if she needs me. But I can't detach my help from the hope of a physical relationship when reinitiate contact.

Song of the day - Freelance Whales.

Moving Forward -- Progress!

Some progress has been made in my week since the last post. So that's fun. I've picked Modern Family for my new show to spec. I can watch all of this season thanks to Hulu Plus (I think I'm the only person in America that has that) but the first two seasons are not on Netflix. What a crisis. That means I'll have to read episode synopses  and character descriptions online. Which sucks because I really do learn character voices by watching. Maybe I can find some website with its server in Korea or something.

This week I edited my play Same River Twice down to 66 pages from 80 pages. (The original draft was almost 100.) Unfortunately the theatre company is really stiff on time and so they want me to cut more. Originally they're the ones who told me to get it to around 65 pages. I submitted that, then they just decided to cut a bunch of other shit out anyway. I'm not too happy. But at least it will be read on May 20th.

But after getting it to the 66 page mark, I'm pretty happy with that cut. So much so that I copyrighted it. Booya! Then submitted it to the Mad Lab Theatre company. While we're talking about submitting things, I also submitted my 30 Rock to the Scriptapalooza TV contest. TV contests cost money (around $40) but it's one of the few ways to get production companies and agents to read your stuff. Coming up is the Austin Film Festival that has a contest and a Disney Fellowship. Fellowships are better in that they are free and the prize is often times a job. So wooo! (Not to be confused with the leet speak woot.)

Meanwhile, I've compiled everyone I could remember meeting in the last 9 or so years and made a NETWORKING email list. Delving into the past dizzying. It's crazy how many people we come across and don't remember. Along with that, I've purchased the url www.eltermanproductions.com. I just have to figure out wordpress's system well enough. But an online presence will be necessary. Then I'll need to tackle business cards.  Oh and I'm moving to LA in August. Cause you know, that's probably what I should have done a year ago. Oh well.

Lastly, I've started dabbling into the Paleo diet. If you haven't heard, it's the "cave man" diet. Basically, it figures our evolutionary biology has not progressed very much in the last hundred thousand years which is problematic because with the advent of agriculture (about 10,000 years ago) our diet has completely changed. Long story short, our bodies aren't meant for processing grains. The book I'm reading (pictured above) is a little much and I'm not too happy with the style. The claims are pretty grandiose (he says grains are responsible for Cancer, Parkinson's, MS, and I'm pretty sure racism [last one I made up.]) And he insinuates Government conspiracy from time to time. (With respect to the grain heavy food pyramid.) I'm a little more interested in understanding the biology of it all and he goes into that but he's pretty bad at keeping enzyme and hormone explanations concise and clear. I come away from those chapter feeling like I've read a garbled mess. But my Cross-Fit friends swear by the diet, so I'll give it its month trial and see how I feel. Hell it's Passover this week, so I'm practically on the diet anyway.

Other than cutting my hand and ending up in the ER last week and meeting a cool girl last night, that's been the long and the short of it. I'll leave you with this awesome song.

Moving Forward

My TV writing class ended last night all the while coinciding with a compulsion that's been brewing inside me. As Mega Man X's cries in desperation when his health gets low so must I, "time to get serious." Over the past two years, I've proven to myself that I indeed can write. I have 6 bodies of work (3 plays, 2 spec scripts, 1 pilot script) as well as a blog, and the ability to take and incorporate notes. It surprised me how few of the other writers in my TV classes finished even first drafts of their scripts over the 10 week course while I was turning in 2nd and 3rd draft revisions.

What I haven't done is push myself in a direction to market and selling myself.  And that's the big deal. Networking has always been a scary word for me. I've come to view myself as a loner and when I'm at my loneliest I never feel I have anyone there for me. But the truth of the matter is that I've had plenty of opportunities for networking and have simply let the relationships die. As I look back there are plenty of people in college and play shows that I've done who were more than willing to be supportive. I just let it die away. So now my personal goal is to reinvigorate those relationships and keep them alive.

Networking: Check!

Marketing....
Uhhh....okay. So here's the real problem. How the hell do I get my stuff to make me money? I need to start getting outside my comfort area. Contacting agents, production companies, being persistent, aggressively market. I've always wanted to play the game by the rules. As I've grown older, I've come to realize that success goes to those willing to bend or break the rules by taking a risk. My see what happens approach has gotten me to be a 28 year old waiter. It's time to try something more active.

This also means I will be leaving New York. It was a bad decision for my career. But it gave me a year and some change to be more firmly committed to my goal. I learned to be a little more gruff and forceful. The writing class refined me and gave me direction. It will be a bitch to pack my shit up and mail it again. I'll have to buy a new car, pay for insurance, find another place, but fuck it...it's time. I'm putting the date at July or August.

I've felt for a long time that I don't feel like a man. And why should I? What have I done? I've not built a career, a family, a community. I've wandered from group to group, job to job, keep mostly to myself and it's left me lonely and unaccomplished. At my core, all I want is to sit at home, get drunk, fuck a girlfriend, play videogames or watch movies. And as much as I will indulge in pieces of that, when I do have free time I'm never able to enjoy any of those things (well except the girl fucking, but even then not really.) I truly believe, if I am able to overcome this networking hurdle, if I'm able to support myself with my writing, I will finally be a man.

If I can't, if I fail I will probably shoot myself.