Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

This past week has been emotionally erratic. The Modern Family research has been really trick. I mean all you have to do is watch the damn show, but I really hate sitting, hour after hour watching it. I've also struggled to stay focused on my blog.
It's one thing to sit down and start writing an idea. I've become remarkably adept at that (which is where most writer's falter.) But there are other hurdles tripping me up and they are stultifying. Another example, I am applying to a CBS fellowship. Fellowships are much better then contests. They're free (usually) and you actually meet producers, show runners, head writers, etc and they usually result in a job. So I've got this fellowship application in front of me. I've got my 30 Rock script written and current. I've got a strong second entry (they want something not TV) so I've got a newly edited 3rd draft of Same River Twice ready to go. But what stops me? Resume or bio. It's just a stupid thing, but I don't know how to present myself. I've been told if I don't have a resume write a bio. I don't have much writing experience so what do I pad it with? All my acting experience? Do I throw in that I had a personal writing coach named Charles Waxberg who has a great resume himself? Do I go into detail about what I'm good at as a writer that sets me apart? It just feels so wrong and rudimentary.
Same thing with the website. I keep telling myself to write the page content on its then do the bells and whistles later, but then I spend 45 minutes trying to get the lettering size right and a good background. I get frustrated and close the browser window.
The ball of fire that used to drive me feel like it is extinguishing. I feel like I'm running on "this is what I should do" rather than "this is what I want to do."

On the other end of things, Marilyn has called me a couple of times. She's the last girl I dated. Without going into too much detail, she's the first person I was excited to date in a long time. She broke things off for a few reasons. But ultimately because I was eventually going to move to LA and she didn't want to get involved. That break up was the inciting incident to the firm August move date.
But another reason she broke things off was because I was good at getting past her emotional walls. I must say I'm pretty in touch with my feelings and emotional intimacy has always been easy for me. She didn't like that, it made her feel uncomfortable. She called me probably about two weeks ago about a crisis she didn't feel like she had anyone else to turn to. That made me feel good. But it also made me start to see "us" as a possibility (despite the logical acknowledgement of it still being an impossibility.) We chatted briefly on gchat since. But then a few nights ago she drunk dialed me waking me up.  I was glad she did. We had a talk I barely remember but I know it was along the lines of emotional walls coming down again.
Yesterday I got another gchat message from her, and just as conversation gets going she pulls this out of left field:

Marilyn:i like talking to youbut i hate talking to you.

  it's very much a love-hate thing.

 me: :(

 Marilyn: it's not your fault

  it's that you allow me to be emotionally weak when i talk to you

 me: And why would you hate talking to me?

 Marilyn: and i don't feel like i can ever afford to do that.

  i get to fall apart when i talk to you

7:20 PM and then it takes forever to put myself together again.

  i hate it

  but i like having the freedom to do so

 me: You're not the only one who has to put themselves back together after we talk.

 Marilyn: fair enough.

 me: It's why I don't contact you.

7:21 PM Marilyn: well aren't we a bunch of masochists

 me: But always welcome it when you message me all the same.

 Marilyn: i'm sorry.

 me: Look forward to it even.

7:22 PM Though it sounds like you putting yourself back together is more strenious than me.

7:23 PM But look at it this way...

7:24 PM You're going to fall apart sooner or later regardless, better you do it with me than at some random moment or when you're all alone.

This has left me in a sort of emotional limbo. Clearly there is something there that she refuses to let happen, but at the same isn't going to let go of. And I am moving to LA. She won't change that. But I still feel really cheated. She and I connected on something that I never connect on anyone with. She robbed me of that exploration. Yes I want to be there for her if she needs me. But I can't detach my help from the hope of a physical relationship when reinitiate contact.

Song of the day - Freelance Whales.