I've joked in the past that should things not work out the way with regard to my career aspirations as I envision them, I, in all likely hood will shoot myself in the face. There is a distinction I see that other may not between shooting one's self in the face and shooting one's self in the head. Face is humorous on the level of "pie in the face" while head is closer to suicide. Despite the difference I finally must attest to the fact that both convey a chilling sentiment despite the missed implied levity. But I must confess that it is necessary to my survival that I attain a level greater than what I am currently existing at. Let me state that more clearly, the path I am currently on is one of doom.
I'll let the few (one or two people) who read this blog's mind to rest as that I do not actively seek suicide nor do I desire an early and untimely end. However, the life I live is not fulfilling to me. Should I continue in this vain I can only see disaster. I already drink far more than I should. It should not be a mystery why I tend to write people who decay into corruption and despair.
I watched Arron Sorkin's The Newsroom tonight on HBO. The pilot episode is essentially the exact same pilot episode of Sorkin's failed series Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Both pilots trumpet this nations failings that have lost it's way to lower standards. The sentiments work better in The Newsroom than they do in a show about sketch comedy. But regardless, the chilling sentiment stuck in me that I can and should be doing more. As hard as I work, I continue to fall short of my potential. When I was a teenager, I felt very strongly about my opinions and argued them with a passion. In retrospect, I was certainly wrong about most of those opinions and in greater certainty I was annoying and pompous to those around me. However, the apathy and contentment in ignorance I have adopted if far worse than the attitude of the impudent teenager. At least then I was willing to fight for what I felt was important.
The doom that lingers over me is from numerous missed opportunities. I honestly feel like every decision I made has been the wrong one. Issac Newton never had the apple fall upon his head, Columbus decided not to take the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria on their voyages, Copernicus decided fuck it, I guess the sun isn't the center of the solar system. Am I narcissistic and grandiose to compare myself to the likes of those historical figures? Definitely. But something inside of me demands that I expect that level of greatness of myself.
I have a friend who recently told me that the worst thing you can tell your child is that they are great and above average. Such sentiments will lead to great anxiety and disappointment. I couldn't disagree more. Perhaps those sentiments lead to my unhappiness. But I demand more of myself. I have to. Otherwise I will cease to be. That's not suicidal despair. It is simply what I feel I have to do.
So when people tell me I'm brave for moving to New York or LA to pursue my dreams I look at this with a perplexed confusion. I'm not going after my dreams. I have to do this. Or I will die. I promise you that. I'm doing it to survive.
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